SpunqDaddy's Beard - Bi Men reader writes in

Dear Mr. Suresha,

 

I hope I can call you Ron, because that's what I'm about to do.  I just started reading Bi Men Coming Out... and cannot put it down...not necessarily a good thing, because I'm reading it at work in my locked office.  I'm sure you can guess why not at home.

 

Ron, I wanted to say thank you for the book.  Yeah, I'm a Bear...56 years old.  It's been a very, very difficult journey, a story I would share with you in detail, if you'd like.  But in short, I have been married to a lovely woman for 31 years.  I had always been attracted to men, but having been raised Roman Catholic, wanting to go into education (which frowned on homosexuality) and having a judgmental, homophobic, state-cop father, well, I convinced myself that my one-an-only college fling with a guy was a phase.  I never was attracted to the "stereotypical" gay lifestyle anyway; I'm still not.  But I found out my feelings for men did not go away.  I suppressed them for decades, Ron.  Had a family.  And then, ten years ago, my wife told me she no longer cared if we ever had sex again.  Her passivity and mere tolerance of it became very clear, so I stopped asking.  And so, the demons I had suppressed raised royal hell.  I went celebate for nine years, went into severe depression and contemplated suicide, got on meds, but never looked who I was in the eye.  Somehow, I still didn't consider myself to be bisexual.  After all, I never acted on it...well, not since 1973!

 

Then, our youngest was diagnosed as bipolar,  In trying to deal with that situation, I went to a therapist for help.  I realized he was gay, and in discussing my own depression, I finally worked up the courage to confide in him what I had been dealing with all my life.   With his help, I could finally look in a mirror and say, "Hey, you are bisexual, you were born that way (my strong belief), and that's OK."  We discussed exactly what I wanted to do about that fact, and I realized I wanted to explore the man-2-man part of my sexuality.  The most liberating day of my life occured when my therapist said to me, "You know, Mark, whether you choose to act on this or not, you are still a great man, a wonderful husband,  and a loving, kind human being.  Never forget that."  I cried for an hour, because I realized I had spend my adult life hating myself.  That moment still brings tears to my eyes.

 

I decided not to tell my wife...for now? forever?... because it would only unsettle her.  If I could reassure her that I will never leave, I will never stop loving her, I will never abandon her, I could out myself.  It would be so much simpler.  But, as my therapist reaffirmed, sometimes the truth serves no purpose other than to hurt.  I don't want her looking over her shoulder at every friend I have an wonder, "Are they in bed together?"  I just can't do that.  See, I really am in love with her.  I no longer fault her for her asexuality any moe than I fault myself for my bisexuality.  It is what it is.

 

The past year has been a learning experience.  At first, I was like a kid in a candy store...LOL!  Every dick called to me, and I answered plenty of those calls. But I learned so much.  I learned "stranger sex" leaves me empty.  I learned some gays hate my bisexual guts, others find me fascinating.  I learned there are varying degrees of bi, those who want you to suck them off but won't return it, those who can't kiss a man because that is unmanly.  I've learned that being upfront is best with partners and that gay men fall in love with Bears despite however much you warn them you are not free. I've learned I am attractive and I'm evidentally a talented lover.  You don't know how much those last two revelations caught me by surprise, and how much they have done for me.  I'm finally whole.

 

You know, I wish I could explain to gays and straights how bisexuality often means chosing your color of pain -- guilt or frustration.  It isn't wanting the "best of both," like some kind of sexual surf-and-turf.  It's more a need for food and water to be whole.  I'm trying to wean myself off my meds now.  I'm not haunted nightly by erotic dreams I can't fulfill.  And, recently, I found another bi, married Bear who understands me and romps with me, a buddy with privileges (man, that's a cliche).  I was surprised to find that it is not the penis, something I had focused on while I was in denial, but the whole experience...being held, kissing, cuddling... that fulfills me.  Ron, it is so incredible to find this at 56; I smile a lot these days.

 

So, thank you for this book.  I was lucky enough to have stumbled onto some sites (bearforest.com, silverdaddies.com) where, with a little effort, one can find men who are caring and searching.  Your book is a nes invaluable resource to me.  It's as I told my therapist, "There really ought to be a support group for bisexual married men, but we'd all be too paranoid to attend."  Your book helps ease that lack.

 

Well, this brief email turned out to be a bit longer than I thought.  If you want the whole story, I'll share it.  But for now, thank you!

 

Matthew